Second thoughts

I'm really starting to doubt myself, and I don' t know what hurts worse...the second guessing or the fact that I really may not be able to do this. I'm not going to give up, at least not right away, but it sure is getting hard to keep pushing myself. I keep telling myself that I can do it...all it takes is one foot in front of the other (literally I guess) but it's getting so hard, and I'm not even to the "hard" part yet. I know, considering all that I've been through injury-wise that no one would blame me for throwing in the towel.



Someone on the nest asked me today "Honestly, why do you even want to run a marathon when you say that you hate running?" I really can't answer that question. I think that "hate" is too strong a word, but I am having an extremely hard time. This is just something that I want - and I can't think of a single thing that I want more out of life right now. When I envision crossing the finish line the emotions that take over me are insane and I keep telling myself that if thinking about finishing the race is enough to put tears in my eyes, surely the actual, real life finish will be even more earth moving. And even though I don't love running yet (I say "yet" with hope) I love the feeling I have when I'm done. I'm sore, and I hurt, and I cough for a couple of hours...but I feel absolutely amazing. And somewhere in my screwed up head, that feeling of amazement is going to be multiplied by millions the day of October 19 when I cross the finish line, whether it be on my feet with my arms in the air, or if I'm crawling and pulling my poor, tired body in.





***PS: To read a really good marathon recap, see Mrs50%'s blog, linked on the right. Thanks to her, my motivation has been renewed tonight.

The first step

I'm not athletic. I never really have been, at least not what I considered "athletic" to be. My younger sisters excelled in soccer, volleyball, track, basketball and just about every other sport you can think of. If they tried it, they were good at it. I, on the other hand, was a pretty good swimmer, a decent ballerina and I could cheer with the best of them. I was never the best, but I could hold my own.

Out of nowhere, I decided I wanted to come up with a few "must-do" things that I'd like to accomplish. Some of them were easier than others (graduate college, maintain friendships that were imporant to me) and some were just completely out of the blue (become a world-class chef...have I mentioned that I'm new to cooking too?). But one got me excited...it got me thinking...and even though I sat on it for a couple of years, I finally realized that I can do it.

I was raised to believe that there's not a single thing I can't do as long as I put my mind to it and give it all the effort I have. A lot of great things have happened to me during my short lifetime, but honestly, this is something that I am unbelievably excited for. I'm excited for the work, the pain, the doubts, the early mornings, everything. Because I know that along the way I'm going to make some new friends, create some amazing memories and above all, when I cross that finish line, I believe that I will experience something truly breathtaking. Something that I've done just for myself when not everyone else believed that I could.