Second thoughts

I'm really starting to doubt myself, and I don' t know what hurts worse...the second guessing or the fact that I really may not be able to do this. I'm not going to give up, at least not right away, but it sure is getting hard to keep pushing myself. I keep telling myself that I can do it...all it takes is one foot in front of the other (literally I guess) but it's getting so hard, and I'm not even to the "hard" part yet. I know, considering all that I've been through injury-wise that no one would blame me for throwing in the towel.



Someone on the nest asked me today "Honestly, why do you even want to run a marathon when you say that you hate running?" I really can't answer that question. I think that "hate" is too strong a word, but I am having an extremely hard time. This is just something that I want - and I can't think of a single thing that I want more out of life right now. When I envision crossing the finish line the emotions that take over me are insane and I keep telling myself that if thinking about finishing the race is enough to put tears in my eyes, surely the actual, real life finish will be even more earth moving. And even though I don't love running yet (I say "yet" with hope) I love the feeling I have when I'm done. I'm sore, and I hurt, and I cough for a couple of hours...but I feel absolutely amazing. And somewhere in my screwed up head, that feeling of amazement is going to be multiplied by millions the day of October 19 when I cross the finish line, whether it be on my feet with my arms in the air, or if I'm crawling and pulling my poor, tired body in.





***PS: To read a really good marathon recap, see Mrs50%'s blog, linked on the right. Thanks to her, my motivation has been renewed tonight.